Today’s Drinking Story:

Here we see Ani Smith dive headlong into the liquor cabinet and equally free-fall into some staggeringly dark places.

To accelerate mood I enter the room, beeline for drinks, swallow three shots, make 50/50 gin and tonic then smile and smile. I meet artists, a painter, a writer, a sculptor, all three work Central London bars. I do a few more shots, Jager, this time I take them with company.

I make vodka and orange, I make gin and tonic. at some point I mix vodka and gin, I don’t really know why. I pour a fingers’ width of Diet Coke into the mix.

My chest churns, my face fizzes, my eyelashes are wide dark shadows on my cheeks. Everyone in the house looks so damn fine to me. I start giving orders, spinning clever, I start coaxing their laughs.

I meet a kid from the North of England, he’s young, fit and hard, has thick hair, clear skin, bright eyes. He’s drinking, his pupils shining, he’s drinking, putting hands on me, seeing whether and how we fit, says he likes American girls. I say I like him. I make my voice thick with smiles. Sweetly I fill the space between us.

I tongue jello shots, everything’s laughter, I begin to slur, I’ve forgotten who I am and how I always don’t like who I am. I take the kid’s solid warm hand, I lead it up the stairs, I lead it into a bathroom, I lead it into my jeans. Kid’s hand is wanting, happy, it wriggles, it grins, it makes shapes into me, I grin.

The kid sits on the lip of the bathtub, open, I sit on the cock of the kid, grinding. We both let the air from out our mouths. I don’t think about sickness or death, I don’t think about anything, I become a giant pulsing vagina. It’s what Buddhists call mindfulness.

I’m stood up straight, thinking serene, I’m content.

Over-drunk and freshly milked, the kid spreads eagle on the couch. Too easily I forget him, find a quart of Jack, take it out onto the balcony with a smoke. It’s late and people file out quickly, as quickly as I drink.

I stumble around, feel my wet panties, glance toward the couch but the kid is gone. I twinge, finish unfinished drinks, ash in corners, stare into nothing, finally go black.